October Morning

Dawn arrives later this time of October. The temperature is cooler. The sky is darker. As a photographer and as a writer I have preferred the colorful theatrical twilight sky. I equally enjoy both dawn and dusk. Both inspire all types of ideas. This morning I rushed to the rooftop to examine the sky, to see the different colors in their different variations. I rushed to see the clouds and their shapes.

When I arrived on the roof, I realized at some point during the night it had rained. The stones on the walkway had that damp look. But, the sky itself was dark. There was a stillness, a silence which I had not experienced in a long time and which I had not expected.

At first I stared into the Eastern sky wanting some fantastic Las Vegas like explosion of color. I aimed the camera, took a few pictures. It was cool this morning. Neither the construction workers nor the school children were around to create the cacophony associated with their activities. I was happy. A cold blast slapped my face. I turned around, noticed the wispy, delicate clouds in the Eastern sky. Immediately I started taking pictures.

The beauty which I discovered was not the beauty which I was seeking. It was the beauty of being open, allowing myself to turnaround, to see more than the Eastern sky but to see the entire sky. I could have kept my gaze securely, evenly pointed to the east, searching for the arrival of the sun.

To the east on the horizon there was a glowing belt, a soft combination of pink and orange light, the sun was somewhere hidden yet preparing to make its appearance. And I with a camera in hand was thinking about my friends who participated in the Marine Corps Marathon.

I wish that I had seriously began my discernment when I was either sixteen or seventeen. But, I am glad that I have waited. I am a product of both secular and sacred worlds. Both, in my opinion, are needed to uncover beauty, encourage piety, and create universal love. We live in a confusing time of science and detachment. Natural order has been replaced by consumerism of convenience, materialism of the disposable and replaceable. Discontent and unhappiness are present but have new names which camouflage their true meanings from some of the younger generations.

I once, about a year ago, made a simple comment that my life was tinted by sadness and suffering. This was greeted by an outcry by my friends who stated that there was no sadness, no suffering in their lives. When I listen to the precise words that they speak, I am often concerned about how my friends want to be perceived. An idea of God is sometimes present, but more often, there is the idea of the individual, alone and strong enough to defeat anyone and anything.

I have slowly begun to reject the idea of the individual. The world of the individual can be selfish and restrictive if it is not balanced by humility, charity, compassion and the love of God.

Now, I am beginning to make my entrance into the Church not as a spectator, there to observe the spectacle and pageantry of Holy Days but as a participant, a volunteer, there to offer my work, my love, and my life in the service of God. This decision is difficult because it challenges my comfortable, insulated existence. But, beyond the physical trappings of my life there are so many other items to consider.

Both my heart and soul have had a love and longing for the Church, the beliefs of the Church, and a life within the Church. My life has repeatedly been shaped and influenced by lessons that I learned during my initial exposure to the Church.

God has been in life, through my prayers and the prayers of my loved ones. It is the consideration of all those individuals who shared their belief in God, included me in their prayers, encouraged me to go to Mass, encouraged me to become involved in Church activities, encouraged me to pray and meditate, provided me with books and information about the Faith, and everyone who shared their Faith, their love of God with me which helped me make this decision. I was not alone. My desire, my discernment reflects the entirety of my being, all the members of the Christian community who have touched me, influenced me to do goodness, to be humble, to learn about and love God above all.