Discernment - October

I enjoy seeing clouds against a blue sky. Clouds provide contrast. Clouds provide motion. Looking at the October sky, I am able to see all types of geometric shapes. This sky is painterly, the clouds appear to be artistic creations.

For me discernment is a way of seeing my life, myself, and my vocation. It is a process of discovery and recovery. Discernment is not a quick process. It bends and twists with me, always quietly whispering, quietly encouraging.

Over the past year I have been thinking about my faith and what it means to me. I have thought about the Church and what I could offer to her. I have thought about Christ’s sacrifice and I wondered if I would have the strength to sacrifice myself. I have observed the faithful in different parishes and tried to be like them.

I think when I first thought of a vocation I thought that all I would have to do was say a few prayers, maybe go on a couple of retreats, read a couple of books and articles and then talk to a priest or two. In many ways I was correct; but in one important way, I was wrong.

Discerning a vocation is very serious. The questions which I asked myself were sometimes rhetorical, sometimes philosophical. I had to look within myself and imagine myself in a setting and situation totally foreign to my current condominium with cable and internet access lifestyle of living single in an American city. I make and break my rules. I answer to only myself. Discerning began a process of examining how I looked at the world, how I felt about God, how I felt about being obedient to God’s laws, how I would follow Christ.

I felt as if I was watching a mystery unfold. At different times I would remember events from my past. Past prayers, past retreats, past conversations, moments when I felt God’s love and grace. At different times I would just stop and thank God for allowing me to be alive and thinking about my vocation. Life moves so fast. There is always something to observe, photograph, and ask God about.

As a photographer I prefer buildings, landscapes and skyscapes. I have had fun doing still life images of fruit, cake, brie. People can be a little problematic. People bring and create all types of variables. The photographer either accepts, ignores, or dismisses the variables in the quest for the perfect and/or good image. While I have been discerning I have allowed myself to accept certain ideas, ignore certain observations and dismiss certain concerns. But, it is a continual cycle of question and answer, observation and analyzation.

I feel myself moving closer to the church, loving God more. I am learning more and more about the Church and looking for my place within it. My heart encourages me to offer my life to God with humility and love. My heart encourages me to continue exploring.

Now, twilight approaches. School children are playing in the schoolyard. Teachers are blowing whistles. Police sirens are whirring in the distance. Automobile horns are tooting. A cool breeze teases my skin. A fire truck siren is heard. I can see it down below on another street. I can smell the spicy aroma from someone’s kitchen. Curry chicken possibly? So many things pass before my eyes, pass through my mind. I sit here feeling like a child, filled with wonder and awe, amazed at the manmade complexities of life that confuse and amuse us, amazed at the natural simplicities of life that calm and comfort us. There are more yelling voices. Someone kicks a soccer ball. It’s goes straight up, then straight down.

And my discernment, my wondering how can I use my life to serve God, is as random and haphazard as life in a city. For me, the initial discernment steps are very personal. Listening to and understanding God’s call is important. God can be very subtle, speaking softly in tones almost imperceptible. But, you have to allow yourself to listen, allow yourself to make both grammatical and typographical errors.

Tonight’s sky is very dynamic and colorful. To the east it’s ranges from powder blue to purple, with dark wispy clouds hovering above like angels. To the west the sky is a mixture of orange, gold and purple. To the south there is a pink and lavender sky with just a hint of blue. The sky invigorates my imagination.

I enjoy the darkling sky and thinking about my discernment, my journey toward God.