A Certain Type of Hope

Two simple culinary achievements fueled a little pride and reconnected my adult self with my childhood self. I made instant gelatin and was able to graduate to adding fruit to it in quick succession. I was able to make instant pudding. There is something wonderful about mixing ingredients together and being pleased with the result. Even making something as simple as gelatin involves a certain type of hope. This hope combines with anticipation. Depending upon whether gelatin or pudding is being made, there is a time lock, a moment when the results can be viewed and evaluated. Instant pudding needs five minutes to set, gelatin needs two hours. Of course as an adult, I provide just a little more time, and cautiously approach the refrigerator at the appointed time.

Discerning a vocation is not that easy. There is no definite recipe. There is prayer, meditation, observation. I wonder if discerning is a way of life, a perpetual state of desiring divinity, trying to imitate Jesus Christ in all interactions, a continuing, directed spiritual dialogue between my soul and God, a Faith edification process for the body, mind, and soul, and an attempt to present your entire being to God for humble, obedient service. Discerning has no time limit or guaranteed outcome. There is something comforting in the discernment process as you move closer to God.

Discernment is almost continual thought, continual prayer, continual reflection. It could also be described as automatic. My interactions and thoughts can be and are evaluated. I often ask God for forgiveness for my behavior, ask God to help others in need, ask God to help me temper my tongue, and ask for mercy for all. I am not sure if it is my developing sense of social justice or my discerning that has made me more aware and concerned about the effects of poverty and homelessness. I do find myself often saying prayers for the poor, for the homeless.

The language of this process is based upon love, understands sacrifice, encourages prayer. This is the language of enhanced service and involvement with the Church in order to grow as an individual person and to grow in Faith as a spiritual person. So important is this growth.

My thoughts are often on God. I am often analyzing am I doing everything that I can do to move closer to God. I sometimes analyze the distractions and diversions in my life and why I allow them to remain.

Currently, my heart and soul are leading me on this journey; they are connecting and reconnecting different strands of my life; asking and re-asking me how I feel about God, his Church, and doing his work. My response is to answer what I can. There is something invigorating about having this dialogue; it can make every homily, every prayer have a special meaning, special effect. Different moments during the Mass can cause a natural release of universal concern and compassion. As the my mind opens itself up to this interrogation of Faith and Hope, it is easier to love, to feel and accept God’s grace and love.

I do feel unworthy and at the same time I want to be a better Christian, more holy, more just, more like Jesus Christ.