Fear and Doubt

There is a little bit of fear and doubt which accompanies each decision, creating questions, creating conflicts.

I have lived a good comfortable life filled with the usual intrigue, comedy, regret. I have no complaints about my life as I have lived. There are one or two things I would like to change if given the chance.

I have been wrestling with writing these simple words for a little while. Fear can be a formidable opponent.

I sit here thinking and then revising my thoughts.

Outside there is a fine, soft rain, barely perceptible to my ears. I began to plan the day’s activities. I wanted to walk outside, look at the November sky, go to Mass.

The rain became harder and harder. My mind shifted its focus. Confession became important and I tried to decide when I would be able to go. The rain became softer and softer. I know that I am human. I just want to be better than I am. I want to live a life of service, of sacrifice, and of love.

Considering a vocation is a gift from God. It is a moment when all the noise of our lives can be turned off. It is a moment when there is no need for diversion. It is a moment when there is no need for distraction. It is a moment of silence. It is a moment of reflection. It is a moment of prayer.

Silence scares many people. Some people need perpetual insistent noise of the loud music, the television, the telephone conversations. Some people are confused by immorality because of all the images that are displayed in our society. Our culture is a haphazard collection of freedoms twisted and stretched to encourage and to protect immorality. Neither God nor goodness is at the center of our culture. Responsibility is often forgotten. At the center of our society is a steady beat, is the sound of emptiness, loneliness, despair. At the center of our culture is noise encouraging violence, encouraging immorality, encouraging sadness.

Rejecting the noise is difficult. A little fear and a little doubt precede many thoughts and actions. Our confidence and strength arrives when we are able to turn down the volume on the noise and listen to the sound of the fine rain, falling softly, falling gently.