Conflict

My life is filled with an endless series of questions and minor conflicts. Each morning I wake up and wonder what activity will dominate my mind this day. Sometimes there is only one answer, others three or four. Sometimes the questions amuse me. I like conflict as a strictly literary device which moves the plot forward, creates a scenario which helps to define the main character, illuminates ideas and desires. Conflict is an essential ingredient to our perception of the world, humanity, and God. How we perceive goodness, love, compassion depends on where we position them within our hearts and minds; on what ideas we view in opposition to them; and an ever shifting field of relationships.

Conflict makes us human; understanding and challenging our personal interior conflicts can lead us to our humanity.

Each day I wonder how I am perceived. Did I say the right thing? Did I remember this anniversary, that birthday? Does this shirt go with those slacks? Should I shave twice a day? Would any stranger know that I am a Christian by how I act? Am I following in the footsteps of Christ? Is God’s love visible in how I interact with others? Similar questions find me at different times, at sometimes awkward times.

How I dealt with different awkward moments eventually helped me decide to convert. At some point I had to stop and look at the world around me and take responsibility for my mistakes and accept that I am imperfect, I am mortal.

There are days when I feel totally unworthy of God’s love. There are days when I feel just like the worst unnoticed typographical or grammatical error. This happens when I either do not like the answers to the questions that I have asked myself or that the current conflict I am wrestling with has some hidden component which makes me think even harder, analyze myself even more.

I sometimes think that how I perceive myself might be just a little faulty, overly biased, against me. I can see every flaw, hear every slurred or rushed word in need of enunciation.

Life is about our perception. How I perceive myself. How I perceive my friendships. How I perceive my relationship with God? Am I being the best Christian that I can be? Am I truly offering my entire life, my entire being to God in obedient service?

At this very minute my sockless feet are perched on my sofa while my body is strangely contorted so that my right arm reaches across my torso so that I can type. It is a little uncomfortable. My mind is in a state of rebellion or agitation as I try to plan this day, as I try to define my goals and actions in broad strokes.

Today, I want my actions as a Christian to exist within confluence of predilection and imagination, enthusiasm and creativity, love and hope.