Cost

Each time I sit in front of the computer and try to compose my thoughts, try to make sense out of the images and sentences within my brain, I sometimes stop and lose myself in a monumental battle of self doubt and confusion which frequently is accompanied by apathy, lethargy, and procrastination. And, during these times all the world is a distraction.

It costs me nothing to waste time, to accept my shortcomings, to avoid moving forward, to avoid moving closer to God. Modernity provides many explanations mental, physical, chemical, genetic, and many other innumerable reasons. I can easily accept or easily deny these defenses. I must always deny them, I must always force myself to move toward Christ.

My life will always be a mystery to me. I will always surprise myself. There are moments when I say things completely unplanned, unimagined and others when I am completely mute when I am ready with either an anecdote or riposte.

Some part of me constantly seeks divine unity. Part of me questions the loyalty and dedication of the other part and just wants complete relaxation.

Each time I sit in front of the computer I wonder about typographical, grammatical, and spelling errors. My mind has fun challenging me with examples of my past failures, past successes, and all other ambiguous moments. What I write often reflects two competing realities, what has happened and how I want things to be.

It costs me nothing to accept and wallow in my imperfection and selfishness. I can describe my life as a beautiful contradiction, a perfect expression of angst and ennui with a dollop of craziness for effect. I can accept all types of secular ideas and thought of victimization by association. Our society makes this easy, natural, almost respectable.

My life as a Christian encourages reflection on all aspects of my life, from the big ticket decisions to the humdrum moments. There is always a desire, a need to do more, pray more, love more. There is always a reason to challenge the status quo, to challenge complacency, to challenge moral and ethical complicity. Modernity offers and promotes leisure and comfort. Christianity offers and promotes sacrifice, humility, charity, work, prayer, and mercy. Sadly, our society teaches us how to expect these from other people but not how to include them in our own lives.

Being a Christian costs me nothing but provides me with guidance and inspiration to move toward, closer to God and to build a life filled with love and hope.