I am worried about my declining vocabulary. In ordinary day to day conversation I probably use less than a handful of words; in written communication, I use even less. Today, I shall begin with beautiful generalizations and what used to be called twenty-five cent words but now due to inflation and other societal abnormalities are known as five dollar words.
Yesterday, during a friendly morning interrogation about life, sacrifice, and duty, I was asked where did I see myself in two years. My first instinctive rocket-acellerating response which flashed in my brain and anesthetized all other thought was “In two years I want to be doing something that is good. I want to be doing something to help people, performing some service for God. I don’t have an action plan yet. I want to formulate a response that reflects modernity’s heterogeneity’s need for God’s mercy and grace.” Luckily I never shared this jumbled bit of confusion.
Off and on for the rest of the day, my mind was subjected to many similar vague but good intentioned etherizations. I could not protest. I could only search for distractions. How concentric modern thought is! How circuitous modern avoidance is! How circumlocutory modern dialogue is! I searched for a sense of equilibrium.
We live in a time of anarchical bargaining. Social responsibility and social morality have been locked outside. Everything is permissible, everything is allowed except good common sense. Some people seem to wallow and flourish in the modern cultural imperialism of angst, nihilism, and preemptive strikes. Populism no longer rules; it just waits to take polls.
And I exist within this world of rhetorical questions in conflict, this world of rheumatic fever and mother’s apron strings delusions. Every tongue has a wound; every dream was savagely punctured; every heart tells tales out of the operating room, before the surgery begins. I listen to the stories about Thucydides on the Potomac, Nobel Prize preferences, naturalism, consumerism, fascism, Admiral Horatio Nelson, Ponce de Leon, Robinson Crusoe, Jane Addams, demonstrative adjectives, Betty Friedan, genetic engineering, Bourbon kings, perfectibility of man, skepticism, and take-home pay.
Sometimes I can not respond coherently in complete sentences. I force some little sound from my throat which hopefully is appropriate to the situation.
And so all I can do is pray and suggest that they pray.
Outside I can hear the hiss as automobiles drive through the puddles in the alley. And my telephone rings. I remember yesterday’s friendly morning interrogation about where did I see myself in two years. In two years I want to pray more than I am praying today.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
In All Things
Discernment, in its most liberal analytical-sense, is a search for expression of the life of the spirit of man creating an alliance with the intellect. Without the alliance and encouragement of the spiritual, the intellect creates only thought; and superficial thought, whatever be the subject with which it deals, is neither satisfying nor nurturing, in its flickering existence. For example, verses from the Psalms, Proverbs, the Pentateuch, and the Acts of the Apostles, do assist in properly guiding my discernment. (By "an alliance with the spirit" I would be understood to mean the entire conversation of the emotional, the intellectual, and the thoughts not governed by the conscious mind which flash in mind and which are sometimes described as instinct, intuition; these do allow our hearts to be susceptible or impressible, to be sympathetic, to be gentle; in short, that mysterious quest of a lucky man by and through which he yearns for a special guidance and learns that his education is incomplete. All his relationships begin and end with the essential desire to find the Holy Spirit in all things, including himself. The spirit is phenomenal, inspires a refined cognizance beyond our usual senses.)
The grandeur of this personal journey is the result of a careful and complex joining of several personal traditions, or desires. Hope and love of God are essential: the journey is a movement toward the Trinity following the strands that run through both the Old and New Testaments of the Bible which contain both the commandments and lessons. (I am conveniently illuminated with flashes of insight into individual Bible verses.) Each verse brings to my discernment its own characteristics, its own theological opinion--a rich variety of interpretation that my sympathetic mind will labor to comprehend and apply to my life. The verses sometimes inspire prayers, knowledge. Discernment is concrete, creative. It creates a narrative, a theological approach, a deepening faith, and an appreciation of virtue, service and God. And I want to discard the superficial distractions and restlessness. And I want to live a life of goodness, justice, service, sacrifice and love for both God and for all mankind.
However, even this brief description of my thoughts on discernment is an over-simplification, for it is a synthesis of ideas from various sources. The fact is that this journey although from one perspective is individual but it incorporates the love, hope, and prayers of the Church community. My discernment allows me to be a collector of wisdom and an reciter of verses and prayers. My narrative is made up of many disparate anecdotes, poems, slogans that have been re-interrpretted, and given new definitions, old meanings within the context of searching for my life's purpose, my vocation.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Fear and Doubt
There is a little bit of fear and doubt which accompanies each decision, creating questions, creating conflicts.
I have lived a good comfortable life filled with the usual intrigue, comedy, regret. I have no complaints about my life as I have lived. There are one or two things I would like to change if given the chance.
I have been wrestling with writing these simple words for a little while. Fear can be a formidable opponent.
I sit here thinking and then revising my thoughts.
Outside there is a fine, soft rain, barely perceptible to my ears. I began to plan the day’s activities. I wanted to walk outside, look at the November sky, go to Mass.
The rain became harder and harder. My mind shifted its focus. Confession became important and I tried to decide when I would be able to go. The rain became softer and softer. I know that I am human. I just want to be better than I am. I want to live a life of service, of sacrifice, and of love.
Considering a vocation is a gift from God. It is a moment when all the noise of our lives can be turned off. It is a moment when there is no need for diversion. It is a moment when there is no need for distraction. It is a moment of silence. It is a moment of reflection. It is a moment of prayer.
Silence scares many people. Some people need perpetual insistent noise of the loud music, the television, the telephone conversations. Some people are confused by immorality because of all the images that are displayed in our society. Our culture is a haphazard collection of freedoms twisted and stretched to encourage and to protect immorality. Neither God nor goodness is at the center of our culture. Responsibility is often forgotten. At the center of our society is a steady beat, is the sound of emptiness, loneliness, despair. At the center of our culture is noise encouraging violence, encouraging immorality, encouraging sadness.
Rejecting the noise is difficult. A little fear and a little doubt precede many thoughts and actions. Our confidence and strength arrives when we are able to turn down the volume on the noise and listen to the sound of the fine rain, falling softly, falling gently.
I have lived a good comfortable life filled with the usual intrigue, comedy, regret. I have no complaints about my life as I have lived. There are one or two things I would like to change if given the chance.
I have been wrestling with writing these simple words for a little while. Fear can be a formidable opponent.
I sit here thinking and then revising my thoughts.
Outside there is a fine, soft rain, barely perceptible to my ears. I began to plan the day’s activities. I wanted to walk outside, look at the November sky, go to Mass.
The rain became harder and harder. My mind shifted its focus. Confession became important and I tried to decide when I would be able to go. The rain became softer and softer. I know that I am human. I just want to be better than I am. I want to live a life of service, of sacrifice, and of love.
Considering a vocation is a gift from God. It is a moment when all the noise of our lives can be turned off. It is a moment when there is no need for diversion. It is a moment when there is no need for distraction. It is a moment of silence. It is a moment of reflection. It is a moment of prayer.
Silence scares many people. Some people need perpetual insistent noise of the loud music, the television, the telephone conversations. Some people are confused by immorality because of all the images that are displayed in our society. Our culture is a haphazard collection of freedoms twisted and stretched to encourage and to protect immorality. Neither God nor goodness is at the center of our culture. Responsibility is often forgotten. At the center of our society is a steady beat, is the sound of emptiness, loneliness, despair. At the center of our culture is noise encouraging violence, encouraging immorality, encouraging sadness.
Rejecting the noise is difficult. A little fear and a little doubt precede many thoughts and actions. Our confidence and strength arrives when we are able to turn down the volume on the noise and listen to the sound of the fine rain, falling softly, falling gently.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Autumn
Each autumn the leaves on some of the trees change color, die, and fall to the ground. But, the orange, gold leaves possess perfect beauty; so, in the garden of my soul each feeling has, its moment of intensity its moment of radiance, its moment of luminosity. And for minute or two there is such a sensation of grace that the entire world appears bathed in goodness and hope.
I have been lucky enough to have met and to have been influenced by several people who were willing to bravely share their faith and their love in God with. Seeing their radiance inspired me.
I hope that some day my life will be seen as a witness to the mercy, wisdom, and love of God.
Each day I try to say prayers for peace, charity, and compassion.
And now I am trying to find some wonderful metaphor which would incorporate the word meridian.
And now I am wondering about the blue sky and clouds above our heads. I have to remind myself to say thank you to for God for those wonderful gifts. I like to imagine heaven. Rarely do I imagine it in the same way. Sometimes it has the splendor and grandeur of old Hollywood, Cecil De Mille. Sometimes it has the beautiful cadence of William Shakespeare. But, there is always an undeniable brillancy.
I do not want greatness. I want goodness. It’s zenith is more elusive, more ephemeral. I want to inspire people to trust their feelings, to seize the power of their Faith, and to rise to their highest point in their journey to God.
Our lives are a mixture of ideals, presentiments, and reminiscences. The more we allow God into our lives the more radiant and graceful we become. Faith in action is beautiful to behold.
I have been lucky enough to have met and to have been influenced by several people who were willing to bravely share their faith and their love in God with. Seeing their radiance inspired me.
I hope that some day my life will be seen as a witness to the mercy, wisdom, and love of God.
Each day I try to say prayers for peace, charity, and compassion.
And now I am trying to find some wonderful metaphor which would incorporate the word meridian.
And now I am wondering about the blue sky and clouds above our heads. I have to remind myself to say thank you to for God for those wonderful gifts. I like to imagine heaven. Rarely do I imagine it in the same way. Sometimes it has the splendor and grandeur of old Hollywood, Cecil De Mille. Sometimes it has the beautiful cadence of William Shakespeare. But, there is always an undeniable brillancy.
I do not want greatness. I want goodness. It’s zenith is more elusive, more ephemeral. I want to inspire people to trust their feelings, to seize the power of their Faith, and to rise to their highest point in their journey to God.
Our lives are a mixture of ideals, presentiments, and reminiscences. The more we allow God into our lives the more radiant and graceful we become. Faith in action is beautiful to behold.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Direction
My young life was greatly influenced by reading books. My parents encouraged me to read everything. I had the Bible. I had Charlotte’s Web and Stuart Little. My first love is the written word. I have always enjoyed reading books. I have always enjoyed writing. My imagination enjoys the struggle of opposites, the struggle of familiarity, the struggle of hope. I like to compare these struggles to the long ago endless summer days of my adolescence when I had a simple predilection toward goodness, movement toward God encouraged by the love and hope of others.
My early life my spiritual direction came from the adults in my life either making me go to church, making me say prayers before meals, reminding me to say my prayers before bedtime, teaching me the Lord’s Prayer.
Spiritual direction is relative, quiet, gentle, patient. It explores the relationships between my heart, my mind, my soul and God. It is not like going to the neighborhood delicatessen and asking for tomato, spicy mustard, provolone and a bag of chips. Spiritual direction is more subtle, more sublime. I might not ask for anything at all. I might not be thinking about anything but my eyes might see something or my ears hear something which will trigger a thought, a prayer, a brief reflection.
I am sometimes in such a hurry that I forget my name, address, telephone number. My mind concentrates on only one project, one goal. I momentarily forget everything else. There are times when I like being like that, like the feeling of finishing a project, accomplishing a goal, exceeding someone’s expectations. But, often after the moment passes, I wonder what did I miss, what did I give up to achieve this goal.
As an adult even as I make all types of mistakes and errors of fashionable modern judgement, there is always a search and yearning for goodness. I want to be humble, obedient, loving, compassionate. I want my life to be of service to God.
It is during the unexpected moments of life when I briefly quiet my thoughts, my insanity, my goofiness that my natural concern and prayers return; love universal sneaks up on me and sometimes I have so much emotion that I simply cry. It is these moments which are now the framework of my spiritual direction. It is during those moments that I feel closest to God.
Moving toward God requires discipline, sacrifice, prayer. Moving toward God requires action, contemplation. Moving toward God requires silence. I have to stop talking.
Faith is a beautiful phenomenon which can help me become closer to God. I must allow my hunger for goodness to grow, my thirst for God’s love and mercy to flourish.
A wise man once said, “Hope is persistent and God’s love is eternal.”
My early life my spiritual direction came from the adults in my life either making me go to church, making me say prayers before meals, reminding me to say my prayers before bedtime, teaching me the Lord’s Prayer.
Spiritual direction is relative, quiet, gentle, patient. It explores the relationships between my heart, my mind, my soul and God. It is not like going to the neighborhood delicatessen and asking for tomato, spicy mustard, provolone and a bag of chips. Spiritual direction is more subtle, more sublime. I might not ask for anything at all. I might not be thinking about anything but my eyes might see something or my ears hear something which will trigger a thought, a prayer, a brief reflection.
I am sometimes in such a hurry that I forget my name, address, telephone number. My mind concentrates on only one project, one goal. I momentarily forget everything else. There are times when I like being like that, like the feeling of finishing a project, accomplishing a goal, exceeding someone’s expectations. But, often after the moment passes, I wonder what did I miss, what did I give up to achieve this goal.
As an adult even as I make all types of mistakes and errors of fashionable modern judgement, there is always a search and yearning for goodness. I want to be humble, obedient, loving, compassionate. I want my life to be of service to God.
It is during the unexpected moments of life when I briefly quiet my thoughts, my insanity, my goofiness that my natural concern and prayers return; love universal sneaks up on me and sometimes I have so much emotion that I simply cry. It is these moments which are now the framework of my spiritual direction. It is during those moments that I feel closest to God.
Moving toward God requires discipline, sacrifice, prayer. Moving toward God requires action, contemplation. Moving toward God requires silence. I have to stop talking.
Faith is a beautiful phenomenon which can help me become closer to God. I must allow my hunger for goodness to grow, my thirst for God’s love and mercy to flourish.
A wise man once said, “Hope is persistent and God’s love is eternal.”
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Conflict
My life is filled with an endless series of questions and minor conflicts. Each morning I wake up and wonder what activity will dominate my mind this day. Sometimes there is only one answer, others three or four. Sometimes the questions amuse me. I like conflict as a strictly literary device which moves the plot forward, creates a scenario which helps to define the main character, illuminates ideas and desires. Conflict is an essential ingredient to our perception of the world, humanity, and God. How we perceive goodness, love, compassion depends on where we position them within our hearts and minds; on what ideas we view in opposition to them; and an ever shifting field of relationships.
Conflict makes us human; understanding and challenging our personal interior conflicts can lead us to our humanity.
Each day I wonder how I am perceived. Did I say the right thing? Did I remember this anniversary, that birthday? Does this shirt go with those slacks? Should I shave twice a day? Would any stranger know that I am a Christian by how I act? Am I following in the footsteps of Christ? Is God’s love visible in how I interact with others? Similar questions find me at different times, at sometimes awkward times.
How I dealt with different awkward moments eventually helped me decide to convert. At some point I had to stop and look at the world around me and take responsibility for my mistakes and accept that I am imperfect, I am mortal.
There are days when I feel totally unworthy of God’s love. There are days when I feel just like the worst unnoticed typographical or grammatical error. This happens when I either do not like the answers to the questions that I have asked myself or that the current conflict I am wrestling with has some hidden component which makes me think even harder, analyze myself even more.
I sometimes think that how I perceive myself might be just a little faulty, overly biased, against me. I can see every flaw, hear every slurred or rushed word in need of enunciation.
Life is about our perception. How I perceive myself. How I perceive my friendships. How I perceive my relationship with God? Am I being the best Christian that I can be? Am I truly offering my entire life, my entire being to God in obedient service?
At this very minute my sockless feet are perched on my sofa while my body is strangely contorted so that my right arm reaches across my torso so that I can type. It is a little uncomfortable. My mind is in a state of rebellion or agitation as I try to plan this day, as I try to define my goals and actions in broad strokes.
Today, I want my actions as a Christian to exist within confluence of predilection and imagination, enthusiasm and creativity, love and hope.
Conflict makes us human; understanding and challenging our personal interior conflicts can lead us to our humanity.
Each day I wonder how I am perceived. Did I say the right thing? Did I remember this anniversary, that birthday? Does this shirt go with those slacks? Should I shave twice a day? Would any stranger know that I am a Christian by how I act? Am I following in the footsteps of Christ? Is God’s love visible in how I interact with others? Similar questions find me at different times, at sometimes awkward times.
How I dealt with different awkward moments eventually helped me decide to convert. At some point I had to stop and look at the world around me and take responsibility for my mistakes and accept that I am imperfect, I am mortal.
There are days when I feel totally unworthy of God’s love. There are days when I feel just like the worst unnoticed typographical or grammatical error. This happens when I either do not like the answers to the questions that I have asked myself or that the current conflict I am wrestling with has some hidden component which makes me think even harder, analyze myself even more.
I sometimes think that how I perceive myself might be just a little faulty, overly biased, against me. I can see every flaw, hear every slurred or rushed word in need of enunciation.
Life is about our perception. How I perceive myself. How I perceive my friendships. How I perceive my relationship with God? Am I being the best Christian that I can be? Am I truly offering my entire life, my entire being to God in obedient service?
At this very minute my sockless feet are perched on my sofa while my body is strangely contorted so that my right arm reaches across my torso so that I can type. It is a little uncomfortable. My mind is in a state of rebellion or agitation as I try to plan this day, as I try to define my goals and actions in broad strokes.
Today, I want my actions as a Christian to exist within confluence of predilection and imagination, enthusiasm and creativity, love and hope.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
being humble
The person who is trustworthy in very small matters is also trustworthy in great ones; and the person who is dishonest in very small matters is also dishonest in great ones. Luke 16:10
Today I enjoyed a quiet November Saturday afternoon. I had thoughts about St. Paul’s letters, and my mind tried to force me into composing an inspirational letter in a similar style. My impression of Christ life and Christian struggles start with the passages of St. Paul. His letters are a mixture of affection and hope, of thoughtfulness and prayer, of humanity and divinity; so full of warm, direct intention for all its boldness, expressing the random, spontaneous, immediacy of Faith; strength expanding, strength delicate. My inquisitiveness continues to grow as I learn more about being Christian.
Modern life is abrupt, cold, indifferent at times. The Church desires to entertain, to inspire, to challenge us. The Church desires to teach us. The Church desires our intelligence, our fidelity and our unconditional love.
And it is easy to find someone with an opinion on philosophy and art. Be aware of those who boldly proclaim themselves as God’s jurisconsult. Beware of those who do not encourage your inquisitiveness. Beware of the austerity of technological advances. Beware of the perfumed coldness of false friends. Life is often haphazard.
The singular focus of our lives should be God and being his humble, obedient servants.
Our thoughts and daydreams flash in my mind quickly and freely. Naturally we touch goodness, wonder about whether we’re being too predictable, too conventional. Goodness can be piecemeal. Goodness can be cold.
And I want to discuss affection and trust and faith and hope. And I want to be self-conscious in my love of God.
And I want to move toward God.
Abraham replied, 'My child, remember that you received what was good during your lifetime while Lazarus likewise received what was bad; but now he is comforted here, whereas you are tormented. Luke 16:25
The relationship between Faith and action is a friendly frenzied interrogation of abstract and concrete. Faith encourages truth, provides access to God. Faith depends upon the commonness daily prayer, attending Mass, helping those who need help. Faith exists beyond the conscious, beyond the unconscious.
Being Christian means creating and living a routine life of service to God. Action is needed to move closer to God.
And I want to read another letter by St. Paul.
Today I enjoyed a quiet November Saturday afternoon. I had thoughts about St. Paul’s letters, and my mind tried to force me into composing an inspirational letter in a similar style. My impression of Christ life and Christian struggles start with the passages of St. Paul. His letters are a mixture of affection and hope, of thoughtfulness and prayer, of humanity and divinity; so full of warm, direct intention for all its boldness, expressing the random, spontaneous, immediacy of Faith; strength expanding, strength delicate. My inquisitiveness continues to grow as I learn more about being Christian.
Modern life is abrupt, cold, indifferent at times. The Church desires to entertain, to inspire, to challenge us. The Church desires to teach us. The Church desires our intelligence, our fidelity and our unconditional love.
And it is easy to find someone with an opinion on philosophy and art. Be aware of those who boldly proclaim themselves as God’s jurisconsult. Beware of those who do not encourage your inquisitiveness. Beware of the austerity of technological advances. Beware of the perfumed coldness of false friends. Life is often haphazard.
The singular focus of our lives should be God and being his humble, obedient servants.
Our thoughts and daydreams flash in my mind quickly and freely. Naturally we touch goodness, wonder about whether we’re being too predictable, too conventional. Goodness can be piecemeal. Goodness can be cold.
And I want to discuss affection and trust and faith and hope. And I want to be self-conscious in my love of God.
And I want to move toward God.
Abraham replied, 'My child, remember that you received what was good during your lifetime while Lazarus likewise received what was bad; but now he is comforted here, whereas you are tormented. Luke 16:25
The relationship between Faith and action is a friendly frenzied interrogation of abstract and concrete. Faith encourages truth, provides access to God. Faith depends upon the commonness daily prayer, attending Mass, helping those who need help. Faith exists beyond the conscious, beyond the unconscious.
Being Christian means creating and living a routine life of service to God. Action is needed to move closer to God.
And I want to read another letter by St. Paul.
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