Thoughts

I heartily wish that more of my life would have been spent following the example of the first Catholic Clergy I was blessed to encounter; and instead of wasting effort and time in vain, selfish compositions and pursuits of fleeting amusement and pleasure of my own design, would have dedicated my life to charity, humility, mercy, and love with my life being directed toward encouraging holiness to flourish in my life and in the lives of those who around me. Life is a collection of labors and endeavors; how fulfilling and handsome our lives are when our talents are used properly for something we believe in, something which inspires and encourages goodness and hope in ourselves and in others. Extemporaneous thoughts drift into my mind, boldly declaring that I have work to do, boldly asserting that a proper discernment is needed as I humbly stand before God and offer my life in service to him and his  Church. Faith does create a special language beyond words, beyond simple comprehension. I sense there is a greater will, purer and more compassionate than I am moving me around, exposing me to more Christian ideas and experiences. 

No words can adequately capture or describe the different orations within my mind. The thoughts question each movement that I make, suggest that prayer and service to God are essential, and remind me that true sacrifice is a part of Christian life. Each day I struggle with the guilt and sadness of past actions, past thoughts. Each day I struggle to forgive myself for my mistakes. Each day I feel unworthy to stand before God because of my life’s accumulation of sin. Each day I feel more vulnerable, more powerless. 

I wander into the beautiful Cathedral, and sometimes forget all of my cares and troubles as I remember all the prayers and kindness shared with me. My heart and soul are released, rise upward with faith, hope, and love.

Discernment not because I am seeking God, but because God is seeking me, requiring that I bear witness to him, that I rise up and follow in his footsteps, that I find the language of humility, charity, and mercy. This I must do.

And so I must start with silence. I must remember a lifetime of prayers, some said by me, some said by others. I must remember that my prayers are all incomplete, each day they are revised.

My prayers and my silence are both episodic.